Dear Diary
So today’s experiment backfired. Turns out that while it’s hilarious to light babies on fire, toddlers tend to run around like morons and catch everything within a three block radius on fire. Which is fine, if you hadn’t planned on staying at the inn down the street.
On the plus side, the fire caught the innkeeper and I owed him money so now I don’t have to listen to the whining.
Love,
Bard
Dear Diary,
Thinking about challenging soap to a contest to see who can get the most kids blood the quickest. I think I’ll win ‘cuz I’m more proficient at at decapitation.
Love,
Bard
Dear Diary,
There are approximately 472 ways to decapitate a human.
Only 398 work on an Elf
Interestingly, the messier ones you get better distance with elf gore than you do with human gore.
Don’t bother practicing decapitations on mongrels. It’s just not that interesting. It’s ok to decapitate them, encouraged even, they’re just on the boring side.
If you decapitate a shamani clean your sword right away. Sticky matted fur on your blade is Not Fun(tm).
Followers of The Twins have, on average, 1.025 times more blood in their neck than followers of Garguth of similar weight
An elven body can be drained of blood in 7.9 seconds given adequate ritual preparation. That’s .7 seconds faster than the equivalent human.
It is a well known fact that human blood has a slightly metallic taste. What is not commonly known is that elven blood has a slightly grape flavor, leading it to be good for producing wines. Mongrel blood, on the other hand, has a more.. earthy… aftertaste. Shamani blood, as expected, tastes like chicken.
The average undead can continue to unlive even after it’s been drained of 3 pints of blood. At 3.1 pints, however, the undead falls over and mumbles about brains.
Shard blood smells very much like the stuff that’s inside a heart.
In a pinch, when dying due to blood loss, the missing fluid can be replaced with camel urine. It doesn’t happen to save the victim, but it does happen to be hilarious.
It is not recommended to substitute blood for urine when dealing with snacking undead. While hilarious, once they’re done spitting they usually try to eat your brains.
Many cultures practice various rituals using blood as either a component, catalyst or because they feel like it. Only three tribes in the southeastern end of seragul practice rituals involving urine, and of those only one believes that feces carry any amount of mystical power.
There are several shamani tribes that practice cacafu, the ancient art of throwing feces. Of these, the kewrrahpahphleenggah tribe is the most deadly. They can, however, easily be avoided as they can be detected at great range.
While many different rituals utilize various body parts, only one known ritual involves the use of the gall bladder. It’s function is primarily to make a tart, lemon flavored boot wax that gives the wearer the ability to detect the presence of shouting tree snails within fifteen feet. This ability can, of course, only be used once per day.
Love,
Bard
Dear Diary,
It’s important to de-fur your food before you eat it.
I have found that the easiest method for accomplishing this is to leave the smallest shamani in the village alive and have that one skin the rest of them, which saves you the effort. Then you only have to do that one. Incidentally, the same theory applies towards cooking them, although that’s a lot of work so you might want to initially keep a few of them alive then start having them kill each other as you run low on prepared food.
Oi. Managing a kitchen is such a hassle.
Love,
Bard
Dear Diary:
It is fairly difficult to distinguish between pig shamani and an actual pig when it comes to the process of making bacon. Yum!
Love,
Bard
Dear Diary,
As it turns out, orphanages made out of stone ARE still flammable. You just have to add some booze first. As soon as a couple of those kids catch fire though, they work a lot like charcoal. It does kinda ruin the meat, though. Eat somewhere else afterwards. Or before. Nursing homes are frequently nearby and make a good place to stop for elf-kabobs you can snack on while pursuing your pyrotechnic hijinks.
Love,
Bard
(OOP: This is a “NSFW” Blog and should not be read by people who are offended by strong language, under the age of 14, suffer from heart conditions, are pregnant or may become pregnant. Reading this blog could cause epilepsy, chronic death, lactose intolerance and involuntary urination. Enjoy.)
So this elf chick is walking through the woods with this big giant basket full of food when a hungry starving wolf shamani pops out. He says he’s starving and maybe could he have some food but the little bitch is like “fuck off, furball. I’m taking this to my grandmother’s house on the other side of the forest…”.
Well, he’s so hungry he’s a little weak so he knows he can’t actually take her, so he walks away but he knows this shortcut and beats her to the grandmother’s house. He knocks on the door and this old elven hag opens the door. “well, you’re kinda early not at all what I was expecting but I guess you can come on in”. She starts stripping and he’s totally confused, but he’s too hungry to do anything else so he knocks her out and swallows her whole. What he really wants though is to kick the uppity tart’s ass that insulted him earlier so he puts on grandma’s clothes and hops in her bed.
A bit later the elven twit comes in the house and is all like “grandma, I brought some food! There was this wolf shamani that wanted some but I TOTALLY told him off”. The wolf, in grandma’s bed, replied back “I’m too tired to get up dear, why don’t you come in here”
“Wow grandma, you’re getting really hairy” she says as she walks in the door and sees her grandma. “You know that’s what they make wax for, right?”
At this point the wolf jumps up, newly energized by the grandma carcass in his gullet and eats the elf girl too before downing the bottle of scotch in her picnic basket. He’s just finishing up the booze when these two hunters step through the door, start taking their pants off and one of them says “hey baby.. sorry we’re running late, it’s okay if you started without us” before he notices the wolf standing there with the empty scotch bottle. With a resounding belch the wolf is like “Sorry, I ate her.” The hunter replies “Aww, that’s what I was gonna do.. she never told me this was gonna be a four person thing..” and the wolf replies “No, stupid, ate.. as in IN MY BELLY”. The hunter gets pissed ‘cuz he’d already popped his little white pills that day and was kinda.. edgy.. if you know what I mean and so he kills the wolf and cuts open his stomach. The other hunter is all like “what the hell are you cutting him open for?” and the first hunter replies “to get grandma out”.
“Are you really that dumb? Did you really think that was gonna work? This ain’t a fairy tale dude…”
But then Seragul passed a new law and the hunters could get married so they didn’t need grandma anyways so they both lived happily ever after.
(OOP: This is a “NSFW” Blog and should not be read by people who are offended by strong language, under the age of 14, suffer from heart conditions, are pregnant or may become pregnant. Reading this blog could cause mental or other problems, including but not limited projectile diarrhea, urine emanating from the nasal cavity, or chronic flatulence. Enjoy.)
Okay, so there’s this little elven girl. Really shiny hair, it’s like gold or something. Anyways, the little bitch is off skipping in the woods when she comes across a house. Like a typical elf, she figures that she’s allowed to do whatever the hell she wants, so she breaks in.
Sitting there on the kitchen counter is three bowls of some porridge. So she sits down at the biggest one - typical elven entitlement there - and starts munching down. She takes a big ol’ bite outta it and realizes it’s fucking hot and it’s burned the inside of her mouth (ironic, since she worshipped fiera and should be into that kind of thing) so she runs to the bathroom and starts trying to flush her mouth out in the sink. THen she rifles through their medicine cabinet, chucking everything everywhere, until she finally finds some healing potions. She quickly downs one, the burns go away, but like a bitch she leaves the mess in the bathroom and heads back to the kitchen.
So she tries the second bowl, takes a big bite and realizes it’s too cold for her taste, so she spits it out all over the counter. She goes for the third bowl, which tastes great to her, and so she scarfs the whole damn thing.
Feeling somewhat sated, she headed to the living room to watch some TV.
So she sits down in the first chair and decides it’s way too hard for her scrawny ass, and the bone scraping on hard wood was too painful, so she decided to try a different chair. So she sits in this other chair that’s like way over padded and she falls through ‘cuz her scrawny ass cuts a big slash in the fabric and she lands in a heaping thud on the ground.
So she sits in the third chair, which is just hard enough to keep her bony ass up but just soft enough to not chafe, and she starts watching TV. Eventually she gets bored with the basic cable and starts running up the pay-per-view with some downloaded porn.
But she’s tired after all the eating and a bit worked up off the porn, so she heads upstairs to take a nap. She lays down in the first bed she finds, which happens to be hard as a rock. She can’t get comfortable on it no matter how much she twists and turns and messes up the covers, so she moves to the next one. That one is really soft and fuzzy and comfortable, so she decides to rub one off real fast since she so worked up from the pay-per-view. After that she’s got a big gross mess all over the sheets, and she doesn’t want to have to clean it up, so she goes hunting for another bed.
She finds another bed and tries it out and it’s nice and comfy so she takes a nap.
Meanwhile, the bear shamani that live there show up at the front door. They notice the lock has been messed with, then they start looking through the house and notice their missing food, trashed kitchen, wrecked chair and pay-per-view bill. Looks like a dark elf has ransacked the place. So they go upstairs to take care of the culprit, and the daddy bear is like “there’s someone been sleeping in my bed”. The mommy bear is like “someone was sleeping in my bed too and made a fine mess,” and the little bear squeaked out “there’s someone been sleeping in my bed too and the bitch is still in there”. At this point in time the bears decide to replace their missing food with a delicious round of elf-kabobs and some pinkskin bacon. Elf, the other white meat.
(OOP: This is a “NSFW” Blog and should not be read by people who are offended by strong language, under the age of 14, suffer from heart conditions, are pregnant or may become pregnant. Any injuries sustained during the reading of this post are the reader’s responsibility and will be laughed at if reported. Enjoy.)
Dear Diary,
I was supposed to tell a story to a chick today. Here goes:
So there’s this wolf shamani who owns these three rental properties, right? Problem is, he’s rented them out to these three pig shamani, who of course, are total pigs. The little bastards kept on trashing the place, so one morning the wolf decides it’s time to kick them out.
So he goes up to the first house, which happens to be made of straw, where the pig starts being a total dick and pitches a total fit, talking about renter’s rights and 14 day notices of eviction and stuff. Follows it up with a “what are you gonna do about it, huh?”. I’ll tell you what he did. A huff and a puff and he blew the whole fucking house down. The little shit had some evades tho and managed to escape to his deadbeat brother’s house of sticks.
So the wolf goes up to the stick house, hoping to catch two birds with one stone, and tries to get the deadbeat pig to pay his damn rent. Little bastard keeps on bitching about “check’s in the mail” and starts going off about broken appliances and stuff. Follows it up with an “and what are you gonna do about it?” I’ll tell you what he did about it - he blew the fucking house down. Well, not fucking, ‘cuz the straw house was dead and in no condition to shag, but you get the idea. The two pigs are quick little ratfuckers and manage to run to their last brother’s house, which is made out of bricks.
At this point the pigs are feeling pretty cocky (gay little bastards) and they start in on the wolf with “ha ha ha - can’t get us now, can ya?” and “Betcha can’t blow THIS house down” and other assorted crap. Well, I’m not gonna get into the specifics of what happened next, but I’ll tell you how it ended - forty point explosive trap down the chimney and bacon for breakfast.
Love,
Bard
Dear Diary,
I’ve been inspired.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcbazH6aE2g
Love,
Bard