So today’s experiment backfired. Turns out that while it’s hilarious to light babies on fire, toddlers tend to run around like morons and catch everything within a three block radius on fire. Which is fine, if you hadn’t planned on staying at the inn down the street.

On the plus side, the fire caught the innkeeper and I owed him money so now I don’t have to listen to the whining.

Love,

Bard

Thinking about challenging soap to a contest to see who can get the most kids blood the quickest. I think I’ll win ‘cuz I’m more proficient at at decapitation.

Love,

Bard

There are approximately 472 ways to decapitate a human.

Only 398 work on an Elf

Interestingly, the messier ones you get better distance with elf gore than you do with human gore.

Don’t bother practicing decapitations on mongrels. It’s just not that interesting. It’s ok to decapitate them, encouraged even, they’re just on the boring side.

If you decapitate a shamani clean your sword right away. Sticky matted fur on your blade is Not Fun(tm).

Followers of The Twins have, on average, 1.025 times more blood in their neck than followers of Garguth of similar weight

An elven body can be drained of blood in 7.9 seconds given adequate ritual preparation. That’s .7 seconds faster than the equivalent human.

It is a well known fact that human blood has a slightly metallic taste. What is not commonly known is that elven blood has a slightly grape flavor, leading it to be good for producing wines. Mongrel blood, on the other hand, has a more.. earthy… aftertaste. Shamani blood, as expected, tastes like chicken.

The average undead can continue to unlive even after it’s been drained of 3 pints of blood. At 3.1 pints, however, the undead falls over and mumbles about brains.

Shard blood smells very much like the stuff that’s inside a heart.

In a pinch, when dying due to blood loss, the missing fluid can be replaced with camel urine. It doesn’t happen to save the victim, but it does happen to be hilarious.

It is not recommended to substitute blood for urine when dealing with snacking undead. While hilarious, once they’re done spitting they usually try to eat your brains.

Many cultures practice various rituals using blood as either a component, catalyst or because they feel like it. Only three tribes in the southeastern end of seragul practice rituals involving urine, and of those only one believes that feces carry any amount of mystical power.

There are several shamani tribes that practice cacafu, the ancient art of throwing feces. Of these, the kewrrahpahphleenggah tribe is the most deadly. They can, however, easily be avoided as they can be detected at great range.

While many different rituals utilize various body parts, only one known ritual involves the use of the gall bladder. It’s function is primarily to make a tart, lemon flavored boot wax that gives the wearer the ability to detect the presence of shouting tree snails within fifteen feet. This ability can, of course, only be used once per day.

Love,

Bard

Excuse me, but I need to go bug bomb my house now. And set traps for every kind of insect known to elfkind.

I got separated from Darius in battle today, and was eaten by a slime and died - quite horribly, in case you were interested - in its digestive juices, and then was resurrected after the party killed it. Then I started hearing voices, so the revenant vampire, Dominic, in our party bit me and drank some of my blood to see what was happening. Turns out that the slime invaded my brain and was talking to me and growing in my skull. To get rid of that, the captain had to kill me, and Dominic raised me as a zombie - this drove out the slimes, and the party immediately killed them. The party then killed the zombie me, and finally resurrected me as myself again.

I hate slimes, I hate being digested, and I hate getting bitten by revenant vampires, I hate being a zombie (or a green skeleton, but that’s another matter entirely), and I hate having to get resurrected.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go throw out all of my shampoos and body washes and replace them all with BAR soaps. Also throwing out all the aloe vera, jams and jellies, and olive oil in the house. Dammit, I hate slimes!

It’s important to de-fur your food before you eat it.

I have found that the easiest method for accomplishing this is to leave the smallest shamani in the village alive and have that one skin the rest of them, which saves you the effort. Then you only have to do that one. Incidentally, the same theory applies towards cooking them, although that’s a lot of work so you might want to initially keep a few of them alive then start having them kill each other as you run low on prepared food.

Oi. Managing a kitchen is such a hassle.

Love,

Bard

Went for a walk with Bard and Crane today. Came across a fuzzy village, we decided to stay for dinner. We have food for a month. Was a good day.

Soap

It is fairly difficult to distinguish between pig shamani and an actual pig when it comes to the process of making bacon. Yum!

Love,

Bard

As it turns out, orphanages made out of stone ARE still flammable.  You just have to add some booze first. As soon as a couple of those kids catch fire though, they work a lot like charcoal. It does kinda ruin the meat, though. Eat somewhere else afterwards. Or before. Nursing homes are frequently nearby and make a good place to stop for elf-kabobs you can snack on while pursuing your pyrotechnic hijinks.

Love,

Bard